My Troubled Soul
There’s a cry that won’t quite release, a sadness that pulls at my face as much as my gut. Of my own weaknesses and imperfections I am keenly aware. So I lament the feelings that rise up within me toward others whom I love, feelings of “What’s wrong with you!”; “How could you post that!”; “Can’t you see the injustice?”. I need mercy and grace in abundance, and must learn how better to offer it freely to everyone, just as Christ has done to me.
Yet. My soul is troubled within me.
I feel deep concern that idolatry has become so common in our shared narrative, so very accepted and protected, upheld and esteemed. Oh God, have mercy. The scathing retorts of “I don’t apologize for ANYTHING!” or “I ain’t changing a DAMN THING!”, and then the fluffy hearts and accolades that people kissingly blow to such expressions.
What is wrong with us? Why do we embrace stubbornness and label it steadfastness? Why do we exalt rebellion and esteem it as holiness? Why do we idolize independence and scorn community? Why are we adamant that we will NOT APOLOGIZE for something our forebears did? But are very much at ease celebrating their ‘victories’ or ‘virtues’ or whatever we perceive as good about them, even though we had no part nor claim in any of that, either.
“Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”
As Bernie Taupin wrote: Sorry seems to be the hardest word. If there really was no residue left behind from our racist forefathers, no long-term harm, no continuing injustice - well maybe this reluctance to change would be understandable. But come on! My fellow-survivors of sexual abuse know this pain all too well, when the offender never comes to terms with the depth of his/her offense, never truly makes recompense, looks for ways to share the blame with others and most especially with their victim. The parallels are stunning for my troubled soul.
For my part, I freely and openly and continually say - please forgive us, Oh Lord, for our sins of racism. I say it to my African American friends and neighbors and community and brothers and sisters - please forgive me for racism.
I offer this scripture as a way forward. It brings some hope to my troubled soul.
Isaiah 57:14-15 NLT
14 God says, “Rebuild the road!
Clear away the rocks and stones
so my people can return from captivity.”
15 The high and lofty one who lives in eternity,
the Holy One, says this:
“I live in the high and holy place
with those whose spirits are contrite and humble.
I restore the crushed spirit of the humble
and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.