Enough. Already.
“Godliness with contentment is great gain.”
I am not here. I was busy last week preparing for not being here, packing luggage and hoping I had EVERYTHING I need for this assignment. At some point, you have to say, “It is enough.”
How I’ve thought about enough has shifted and shaped and risen and declined. Am I enough? Do I have enough? Am I doing enough? Is God enough?
Contentment is connected to enough, so has also shifted and shaped over time in my life. There is a place where contentment is not godly - a spot of resignation and apathy that is more akin to evil. I have had to stare that down and shake that snake loose more than once.
Godliness begins with enough - accepting that God is indeed full of goodness, a generous giver of all-sufficient grace. Even when my turbulent heart is screaming for a better justice and a less chaotic swirl of confusion, God is steadfastly all-wise. He is enough. Already. Before I was, He Is.
This came roaring into a refreshed belief for me last fall. I was receiving therapy to deal with new levels of distress that had risen, once again addressing the wounds of my childhood. I certainly have said to myself, “Enough already!” but life and God are persistent about leading me to further experiences of healing. So there I was, remembering again, forgiving again, searching for peace again. A worship song played, and ripped me to pieces and sewed me back together all at once. Here are the words:
Walking around these walls
I thought by now they'd fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle's won
For You have never failed me yet
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You've never failed me yet
I know the night won't last
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You're still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet
Do It Again - Elevation Worship
As I heard these words, I knew that I core-deep believed every one of them. And I also knew that I had suffered egregious abuse. Simultaneously - the horrid memories were true and the abundant reality that God has NEVER failed me was also true. And it was enough.
My heart aches for every aching heart to experience God’s enough - to know that the evil of this world can never match his love and power. I am not able to answer all the ‘why’s’ - and that’s where the struggle between godly contentment and evil apathy sometimes duke it out. This is not a gentle sigh of “Oh well.” This is a courageous battle cry of “My God is greater!” He is more than enough.
Prayer:
Dear God, days can be filled with confusion and pain, emptiness and longing, violence and injustice and disappointment with myself, and my soul wearily cries, “Enough!” Other days are filled with beauty and joy and heart-bursting love. Please help me experience your sufficiency in each circumstance, believe in your faithfulness in the middle of pain, and live with godly contentment that refuses to resign into apathy, but rather passionately spreads the light of your love.